A heavy Sunday

It has been a stormy Sunday morning spent reading, drinking coffee, listening to forgotten music and thinking. Uh oh.

On the topic of happiness: If I were George Michael circa 1985, I would be wearing a t-shirt that said, "CHOOSE LIGHT." It is a conscious decision for me to laugh and keep things simple and light, and that makes the days in Amsterdam brighter, but that doesn't mean I am happier here or that I have stopped being serious on the inside. I still need my days of melancholy and hours of staring out at nothing. I know that there are people in this world who don't wrestle with phantoms, and perhaps they are the true happy ones, but I am not one of them. If I deny the dark parts of me in an effort to appear constantly sunny (for whose benefit?) I deny the part of me that feels and experiences a deeper part of life. And those deeper feelings and experiences bring me a profound happiness. What I am learning is that it is possible to be sunny and serious at the same time and that happiness, for me, may be much more about peace of mind than anything else.

On the topic of loss: I realize that I didn't lose everything from the past few years because my memories of the people and places and pets that I loved are still clear. My years were not wasted just because the end was painful. When I was at the market yesterday, waiting for my fish to be cleaned, I heard the Simon and Garfunkel song, "America" playing from the DVD booth. Jeff and I listened to my vinyl copy of "Bookends" lots and lots in the months around 9/11, and I had downloaded the song just last week in a moment of nostalgia. To hear it again, after not hearing it for years, while in the middle of a uniquely "Katie's-life-in-Amsterdam" experience brought my past and my present together in a weirdly wonderful way. Though he is gone, there are years of shared moments that are still important to me and I don't want to bury those memories any more -- I want to honor the good times we had. A gentle, peaceful Jeff has been showing up in my dreams a lot lately - the guy who was happy staring at nothing in the middle of nowhere - and he keeps telling me goodbye. I look forward to the day when I can gently and peacefully tell that favorite version of the man I loved goodbye too. I am getting there.

On the topic of trips: I am taking Tom to Prague for a long weekend next month and then LeeAnne and I are spending a week in Spain in October. Prague will be fascinating to see through different eyes (both his first-time view and my second-time with a fair amount of additional knowledge view) and I am certain just as beautiful as I remember. And Spain will be fabulous. If anyone has Barcelona or Seville suggestions, I'd be glad to get them. And we can all look forward to a week of (e)Spanish cheeses. Muy bueno! Muy delicioso!