There is this thing that happens every year called the Eurovision Song Contest. I didn’t know it existed until today, but it’s like I discovered part of my other half. Brilliant and campy and so very, very entertaining. Apparently it used to be better and now it is too produced and the wounds caused by the first and second world wars completely affect the voting (meaning that Germany will never win) and no one votes for France or England because they are prats (that is a direct quote from an actual real-life British person, not me just being mean). I watched the semi-finals and blogged live. Here are my reactions to all the semi-final teams.
Bulgaria – Gypsy music meets Shelia E. Outfits: leather pants and chain mail. Lots of hair.
Israel – Klesmer music meets French café music meets Yiddish rap meets sort of a Fishbone thing. Outfits: Camouflage guitars, a fat guy in a giant tent playing the accordion and the rest is all over the place.
Cyprus – Boring, though the lead singer has an unusually large head. Singing in French, which may be a blatant suck up move to get votes.
Iceland – “No summer wine, no Valentine.” Four guitarists rocking out to a power ballad. “A tiger trapped inside a cage. An actor on an empty stage.” The bass player looks and plays just like Jeff. Fabulous rhyming! Any excuse for a rhyme and to pull out those leather pants from 1995.
Georgia – Russian dancers like in “The Nutcracker” behind a lady singer. No band to speak of. Perhaps there are teeny tiny synthesizers in the kneepads of the costumes. Oooh! They have swords too! Points for originality and dialing up the cultural reference.
Montenegro – Rock and freaking roll! It is nice to know that the guitar rocking (the bass player and the guitarist leaning against each other and rocking back and forth to the beat) is truly international.
Switzerland – There are twenty people on stage. Half dancing and half just standing there. Oh, they played the “Forever Young” card. The song is about vampires! Oh my god.
Moldova – Who says that skills learned in high school flag line won’t serve you well later in life? There are several people on stage twirling fabric. Singer is very flat…ears are bleeding…must leave television.
The Netherlands – Girl band starring cast offs from “Holland’s Next Top Model.” Boring.
Albania – You know how you always felt sort of sorry for the Eastern Block girl athletes during the Olympics before the wall came down because of their blue eye shadow and hopeless barrette situation? They didn’t know they were camp; they were just making the best of their situation. This is the case with Albania. There are many people on stage all taking themselves very seriously. I have a real issue with violin players who rock out and brandish their bow like a sword. A little to Yanni loving his pan flutes.
Denmark – DRAG QUEEN!!!! GIANT CROWN ON STAGE!!! FEMMY BOYS DOING A DANCE WITH GIANT PINK FEATHER FANS! Song is called Drama Queen, which is no surprise. Nice veneers on her teeth. Very Bob Fosse ending. Points for doing three costume changes while on stage. Love it.
Croatia – Bluesy. Main guy singer has a kick-ass smokey voice. No camp to speak of, but the main girl singer looks suspiciously like Shakira.
Poland – Sort of Black Eyed Peas, only without any talent. Except the lead rap guy has nice arm muscles and the lead girl singer looks good in a short skirt. YAWN.
Serbia – We have a wider version of k.d. lange singing very soulfully. Interesting. She isn’t wearing a tie with her suit, but the lipsticks behind her are…
Czech Republic – After all the mournful ballads and soulful dancers, it is LOVELY to have long-haired old men with no necks rocking out in Czech.
Portugal – Again with giant fans, but these aren’t feathered. Have worked in the “Dancing with the Stars” angle with the addition of a samba duo to the side…the man dances with the singer when she has a break in the lyrics.
Macedonia – Again with the dancers, but no fan. Lots and lots of Macedonia fans in the audience. Wind machine! “Music is the only world for me!” Sing it windy sister!
Norway – The dancing theme is overdone. These guys are singing in Spanish! Why?
Malta – Shirtless men – one playing violin and the other banging the gong. And fans.
Andorra – Cute little pop-punk boys who play their guitars low on their hips and have the classic three chord song down pat. Sounds a little a bit like Good Charlotte combined with Blink 182. Andorra is a landlocked country in the Pyrenees bordered by France and Spain.
Hungary – Blues. She is carrying a suitcase across the stage and wearing those acid washed jeans that have the white patches at the top of the thigh and below the knee – the two places that jeans never get faded.
Estonia – Dancers. Wind machine. Dare I say ubiquitous?
Belgium –Love! Horns, satin shirts, sunglasses, 70s vibe, singer has horrid voice but is super cute. The chorus, “Can you feel the love power coming your way? Can you feel the love power today?” I predict the finals for sure!
Slovenia – Operatic wailing brought the crowd to its feet.
Turkey – “Shake it up, shake it in, you’re my only sweetie.” A troll in a red coat is squealing about sex, surrounded by belly dancers in curly extensions. “Lovely dovey, lovey dovey, all the time, I have lots of candy for you.” Perhaps the most disturbing lyrics of all time.
Austria – Gay! Gay! Gay! Singer is resplendent in a sequin hoody with background singers in red feather hoods.
Latvia – Three men dressed a bit like Marice Chevalier in “Gigi,” singing very dramatically and in harmony. Oh my. Now there are five of them. Now six. Crap! They are multiplying. Maybe they just got the entire Latvian football team to put on top hats and sing onstage.
The teams going to the finals on Saturday are in bold. Also going to the finals are Slovenia and Belarus, but I missed them somehow. It is a veritable eastern European song fest! I can already imagine the grumbles from western Europeans, "They come over here, they take our jobs and now they take our Eurovision contest.
Here is the official link, if you want to explore the madness for yourself: http://www.eurovision.tv/
Bulgaria – Gypsy music meets Shelia E. Outfits: leather pants and chain mail. Lots of hair.
Israel – Klesmer music meets French café music meets Yiddish rap meets sort of a Fishbone thing. Outfits: Camouflage guitars, a fat guy in a giant tent playing the accordion and the rest is all over the place.
Cyprus – Boring, though the lead singer has an unusually large head. Singing in French, which may be a blatant suck up move to get votes.
Iceland – “No summer wine, no Valentine.” Four guitarists rocking out to a power ballad. “A tiger trapped inside a cage. An actor on an empty stage.” The bass player looks and plays just like Jeff. Fabulous rhyming! Any excuse for a rhyme and to pull out those leather pants from 1995.
Georgia – Russian dancers like in “The Nutcracker” behind a lady singer. No band to speak of. Perhaps there are teeny tiny synthesizers in the kneepads of the costumes. Oooh! They have swords too! Points for originality and dialing up the cultural reference.Montenegro – Rock and freaking roll! It is nice to know that the guitar rocking (the bass player and the guitarist leaning against each other and rocking back and forth to the beat) is truly international.
Switzerland – There are twenty people on stage. Half dancing and half just standing there. Oh, they played the “Forever Young” card. The song is about vampires! Oh my god.
Moldova – Who says that skills learned in high school flag line won’t serve you well later in life? There are several people on stage twirling fabric. Singer is very flat…ears are bleeding…must leave television.
The Netherlands – Girl band starring cast offs from “Holland’s Next Top Model.” Boring.
Albania – You know how you always felt sort of sorry for the Eastern Block girl athletes during the Olympics before the wall came down because of their blue eye shadow and hopeless barrette situation? They didn’t know they were camp; they were just making the best of their situation. This is the case with Albania. There are many people on stage all taking themselves very seriously. I have a real issue with violin players who rock out and brandish their bow like a sword. A little to Yanni loving his pan flutes.
Denmark – DRAG QUEEN!!!! GIANT CROWN ON STAGE!!! FEMMY BOYS DOING A DANCE WITH GIANT PINK FEATHER FANS! Song is called Drama Queen, which is no surprise. Nice veneers on her teeth. Very Bob Fosse ending. Points for doing three costume changes while on stage. Love it.Croatia – Bluesy. Main guy singer has a kick-ass smokey voice. No camp to speak of, but the main girl singer looks suspiciously like Shakira.
Poland – Sort of Black Eyed Peas, only without any talent. Except the lead rap guy has nice arm muscles and the lead girl singer looks good in a short skirt. YAWN.
Serbia – We have a wider version of k.d. lange singing very soulfully. Interesting. She isn’t wearing a tie with her suit, but the lipsticks behind her are…
Czech Republic – After all the mournful ballads and soulful dancers, it is LOVELY to have long-haired old men with no necks rocking out in Czech.
Portugal – Again with giant fans, but these aren’t feathered. Have worked in the “Dancing with the Stars” angle with the addition of a samba duo to the side…the man dances with the singer when she has a break in the lyrics.
Macedonia – Again with the dancers, but no fan. Lots and lots of Macedonia fans in the audience. Wind machine! “Music is the only world for me!” Sing it windy sister!
Norway – The dancing theme is overdone. These guys are singing in Spanish! Why?
Malta – Shirtless men – one playing violin and the other banging the gong. And fans.
Andorra – Cute little pop-punk boys who play their guitars low on their hips and have the classic three chord song down pat. Sounds a little a bit like Good Charlotte combined with Blink 182. Andorra is a landlocked country in the Pyrenees bordered by France and Spain.
Hungary – Blues. She is carrying a suitcase across the stage and wearing those acid washed jeans that have the white patches at the top of the thigh and below the knee – the two places that jeans never get faded.
Estonia – Dancers. Wind machine. Dare I say ubiquitous?
Belgium –Love! Horns, satin shirts, sunglasses, 70s vibe, singer has horrid voice but is super cute. The chorus, “Can you feel the love power coming your way? Can you feel the love power today?” I predict the finals for sure!
Slovenia – Operatic wailing brought the crowd to its feet.
Turkey – “Shake it up, shake it in, you’re my only sweetie.” A troll in a red coat is squealing about sex, surrounded by belly dancers in curly extensions. “Lovely dovey, lovey dovey, all the time, I have lots of candy for you.” Perhaps the most disturbing lyrics of all time.
Austria – Gay! Gay! Gay! Singer is resplendent in a sequin hoody with background singers in red feather hoods.
Latvia – Three men dressed a bit like Marice Chevalier in “Gigi,” singing very dramatically and in harmony. Oh my. Now there are five of them. Now six. Crap! They are multiplying. Maybe they just got the entire Latvian football team to put on top hats and sing onstage.
The teams going to the finals on Saturday are in bold. Also going to the finals are Slovenia and Belarus, but I missed them somehow. It is a veritable eastern European song fest! I can already imagine the grumbles from western Europeans, "They come over here, they take our jobs and now they take our Eurovision contest.
Here is the official link, if you want to explore the madness for yourself: http://www.eurovision.tv/
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