hope

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer on Tuesday.
Period. Insert stoic, blank face, vacant eye stare here.

She met with a surgeon yesterday and will, apparently, get a lumpectomy as soon as possible. Once that happens, she will know what she is dealing with. At this point there are a million questions and no answers, but that will change soon enough. Patience and optimism are the magic words right now, and I am trying to stay open to both.

Tom arrived Wednesday morning. I left mom being mellow on the fold-out bed in my apartment and rode to Central Station to take an early train to Schiphol so I could meet him at the gate. It was a beautiful, sunny day and we rode back to Amsterdam being all goofy and in love. I walked him to the #16 tram, got on my bike and rode to work to start the day. And when I opened my email and saw the subject line, "Bad news" from my sister, my feet turned cold.

How lucky was I to have my mom here! Being able to process the initial shock and emotions while having her next to me was a gift. She went back home yesterday morning, but Tom is here for another week, so, again, I am amazingly lucky.

I am trying not to be scared. I am trying to think about all the women who are breast cancer survivors -- the vast majority!!! I am trying not to curl into a ball and go to the dark place. I am trying to hold on tight to hope. I am trying not to be a drama queen. I am trying to stop crying.

The irony is that all I want to do is smoke cigarettes and drink myself into a coma, when what I know I should be doing is going for purifying runs and eating raw vegetables. At this point I am doing neither. Yea emotional paralysis!

Last night Tom and I went to see The Shins at Paradiso. I wavered whether or not to go, but was really happy that we went because they are amazing. Just amazing. They, like Bob Mould, are a good soundtrack to hope to. Because hope isn't blindly optimistic -- it isn't Pollyanna, but more like an army on the Risk board -- it fights against the bad forces of life. And it is life. Bad things happen without an apparent reason to people who you love and need. That bad force army can never be conquered (sort of like mold spores), but it can be battled. That's why I plan on listening to lots and lots of the aforementioned artists. Their lyrics acknowledge the bad, but their melodies fight for the good. And that is what I have to do too.