Live blogging while watching the Eurovision song contest 2011 from my computer. Oh America, I wish you would embrace the goodness that is.
Finland: His face could fit in a thimble. It's disturbing. Apparently he is going out to save the planet because he doesn't want to be da da dum. Hmmm. So this is what earnest looks like without hipster facial hair.
Bosnia + Herzegovina: Sort of love the gray fox leading the troop. He is back in the competition after 12 years and wearing a 15 year old jacket. Hot.
Denmark. A young Brad Pit with Val Kilmer hair in leather pants leads a band of Aryans in a very heartfelt singalong: "Come on boys, come on girls, in this crazy, crazy world, you're the diamonds, you're the pearls, let's make a new tomorrow. Come on girls, come on boys, its your future, its your choice, and your weapon is your voice, let's make a new tomorrow. Today"
Lithuania: Hoping for extensions from Evelina. Aaaaaand....I can't even focus on her hair, as her dress seems to be infected with a black spore outbreak of some sort that is eating her mid-section. I REALLY hope the Fug girls are watching. Oh my. She's signing the lyrics and smoke is now overtaking the stage. But not enough to cover the unfortunate mermaid cut of the non-spore area of the dress. Going for more wine...my poor heart can't take this much.
Hungary: Kati Wolf is the singer...short skirt but the most amazing ring I believe I have ever seen. I wear big rings to distract from my face, and seemingly, so does she. Sort of an Anna Kolter look alike, but the song is a definite contender. Tom and I are dancing in our seats. The back up singers and dancers' costumes are lit up, highlighting their amazing hats and well cut suits. Very impressive.
Ireland: Already won for best hair and costume. They are called Jedword. Oh how I wish you could see this. Apparently these guys came in 6th in the UK "X Factor," but the kids are bringing the theatrics...and not much else. Now I understand why James Joyce was a drunk, if he had to deal with annoying kids like this.
Sweden: Never fail to bring the homoerotics. This time we have leather clad men performing synchronized dances, singing a bad Glad-inspired song about wanting to be popular. Big moment is when the dancers wheel over glass panels, making a box around the lead singer, only to have him BREAK the glass and break out of the box. Get it? He will be popular!
Estonia: With a name like Getter, it's got to be good. I have my extensions, but, disturbingly paired with a Minnie Mouse dress. I was prepared for flowing chiffon, but not Lolita. I can honestly not close my mouth for the jaw-dropping weirdness of it all. Apparently the song is about Rockefeller Street, where very strange things happen in neon colors.
Greece: Globalization has some unfortunate side-effects, like Greece having an Emenem sound-alike start their song. And the juxtaposition of him, with the main song being performed by a cute as a button young man singing all HUGE in Greek, makes me think I am being served spanakopita in a hip-hop club.
Russia: The first "Do you feel my heart beat Europe?" rhetorical question of the night!!!! Third boy band dancing and singing in harmony. Remember how Russian gymnasts in the 70s and 80s always looked sad and at least 15 years behind the times in their blue eyeshadow and bendy barrettes? And how we thought, since there are things like music television, that kids would be all caught up and current by now? And we were sort of sad about the sameness of it all? Take heart. In Europe, it's 1995 and the boy band still reigns supreme.
France: What happens when you use too much molding mud.I love that he is singing in a giant French operatic drama tenor fabulous voice, but am distracted by the sweat on his top lip and matteness of his hair.
Italy: Back in the competition after 13 years. Oh Italy. You could have done so much, but your version of Michael Buble is not good. Over-cooked pasta and watery tiramisu not good.
Switzerland: Very nice and very forgettable. Just like Switzerland.
13 ACTS IN AND MY VOTE SO FAR IS HUNGARY #1 AND FRANCE #2
UK: The same band as last year. You may know them as the group that the old singer beat out for the Christmas #1 in "Love Actually." Blue. They are the archetypal aging boy band and just so sad. Note to self: sell those tickets to the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys show at the Meadowlands.
Moldova: Girl in fairy costume on a unicycle. Tall pointy hats and costumes that can only be called gnome inspired. If gnomes were on acid. The lead singer resembles Vin Diesel, and is wearing a monocle. The song is called "So Lucky" and indeed I am, to live in a world where Eurovision is delivered to my computer. Nothing on television is EVER as good as this.
Germany: Lena, last year's winner, and the reason I had to sing "99 Luftballoons" loudly in public, is performing again. The brilliant thing about Eurovision is that you cannot vote for your own country, so you really have to have a great song in order to garner votes from other countries. Especially if you're Germany. This song isn't so great. And she's lost the cute factor.
Romania: Contender. Cute lead singer, simple lyrics, catchy tune, horn section, very entertaining. Could this be Norway 2009 all over again?
Austria: The other big theme of the night is people living in peace and changing the world...God I miss Europe sometimes. She is wearing fierce platforms, matched by an equally fierce voice. Apparently the secret is love, by the way. I can totally imagine Rachel singing this song in a very special episode of Glee. Big props to anyone who can belt out the big notes on 6" heels.
Azerbaijan: Just when you think the Eurovision song content has gone soft, a J-Lo lookalike comes along to restore your faith in hair extensions and wind machines. But even they are...innocuous. Where is my rocking violin player and lycra-clad dance troop? If not Azerbaijan, then who??
Slovenia: Et tu, Slovenia?
Iceland: Six men, in jeans, waistcoats and ties, sing another Buble-inspired tune. 2011: all about the Bube. They seem like very nice boys, just like MB.
Spain: I have always liked that Spain sings in Spanish. The lyrics don't really matter, because the lead singer's eyes speak the international language of crazy. She freezes my soul with her yearning for a boyfriend, marriage proposal or baby.
Ukraine: Come on Mika -- please bring it. We have live sand painting on stage, projected behind the singer, which is a promising start. But, alas, they are earnest angels wearing crystal white, and cannot bring the fabulous. Though the angel wing shoulder pads get some points. Not everyone can carry off that look.
Serbia: OK. Now we are talking. 60s-inspired girl group singing in Serbian. Super cute! And a successful chord change!
Georgia: Going for the rocking option tonight, which has been missing amongst the boy band and Buble. Mixing it up with a little rap as well...perhaps the Georgia version of Black Eyed Peas? The overabundance of black eyeliner on the men is, again, a 1995 throwback. Oh USSR blue eyeshadow. You were never gone, merely hiding out for a few decades.
AND WE ARE DONE!!!
Now we wait for the votes to come in. 43 countries vote, and each one announces their points, so this can take a very long time.
The best line of the voting portion, from the German contingent: "Hamburg is flipping out!"
#3 who knows...
Clearly I am not a student of the subtleties of European politics when it comes to block voting. SO much to learn. But once again, the best thing on television by far.
Until next May. x