1.19.2010

Detox is right!

I am in the third week of a month-long detox and the light at the end of the tunnel is a chocolate cake.

The detox diet is mostly no's:
- no caffeine
- no alcohol
- no meat
- no dairy from cows
- no wheat
- no salt
- no sugar

It would be a lot easier to do this in the US or the UK, where sugar-free, wheat-free, low sodium, vegan friendly, blessed by shaman and Trader Joe food is fairly simple to find. The only sugar-free thing in Amsterdam is gum.

That said, it has been going great. After the first days of hunger and emotional cravings, I settled down and cruised through the days powered by grains, veggies, fruit, herbal tea and the rare piece of fish. Though not intended for weight loss, the detox did take off several inches, most of which I attribute to booze bloat. My skin feels great, I sleep well and wake up easily, and I am generally less moody. So thumbs up all around.

What I didn't see coming was the emotional detox that piggybacked on the physical one. Without the gauze of nightly wine and an anything goes approach to ingredients (and the subsequent physiological impact they had), my brain was left to its own devices and decided to hit me over the head. With a rock.

Realities that hit hard:
- my best chance to be a mom was lost when I made the mistake of marrying Jeff
- I took on so much guilt for leaving the marriage that I ran all the way to Europe to escape it and have been living in a temporary world ever since. Lucky for me, Tom is smarter than I am.
- it is time to go home to the USA and face the daemons in the storage unit
- Tom is mortal and may get sick or be in pain at times. And I can't fix that. Horrible feeling.

In a twist of irony that only God can cause, I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub before work the other morning, thinking a lot about motherhood and feeling amazingly sad, but also feeling the beginnings of resolve (S-T-A-U-N-C-H) forming in the corners. While in this mire, the phone rang, and the endocrinologist on the other end told me that my hormone levels are now completely normal and there is no reason why I can't get pregnant. So what to do...

There is a lot of black tar to deal with emotionally, and without anything to mask it, I am forced to see. It doesn't feel bad, just big. Very, very big.

2 comments:

Maureen said...

I think it's great all around! Good job Katie.

Unknown said...

KATIE?
KATIE MILLER?
I LOVE YOU SO.
ETERNAL SOURCE OF INSPIRATION.
xoxoxox b
ps you will be sorely missed.