Mannny kisses

It is Sunday morning and I am performing my favorite weekly ritual: sitting on my black and white chair, drinking coffee, reading my book and, every once in a while, absently staring at the world out of my back windows. And feeling smug. Oh so very smug.

A few minutes ago, I got up to refill my coffee cup, carrying my open book with me, with my fingers marking the spot where I left off. Mid-pour, a piece of paper dropped out of the book and fluttered to the floor.** This is what it says:
I send you manny
kisses
Love Annie***

And smack! I am crying. As life gets more comfortable here, the time I mentally spend back home diminishes. Which is a good thing since, if I live by the quote featured on the greeting card I have been carrying with me for years and years ("If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I will tell you, I came to live out loud. -- Emile Zola"), then I have to be intentional here. I have to actually be here. And apparently I have to write incredibly long sentences that are so self-referential I feel dirty.

I don't want to be away from any of you. I want you here with me every second of every day. I miss you so much and each time I carve out some comfort or feel that wave of wonder that makes me smile like a fool, I celebrate for me and for you as well. But I can't pick up the phone and tell you what I am seeing. Or feeling. And this blog isn't any substitution for spontaneous emails that say, "Are you doing anything tonight?" Just by virtue of being far away, I am missing things -- tiny changes, bad days, good days, gossip, ennui, the lead up to major decisions, mood swings, first warm Saturdays, the introduction of cotton to our collective wardrobes, etc.

And that sucks. I can't be two places at once, nor can I live in two spaces at once, and I have to be here, finding a space that you would all fit seamlessly into as my friends. I send you manny kisses and will try harder to be in touch.

**fluttered -- too precious to use as an adjective? It describes the action, but is not the way I talk. Thoughts? Opinions?

***Annie. My neice whose previous note, "You are the best ant!!!!" is taped next to my desk at work.