repeating over and over

What annoys me about others are traits I dislike in myself. What annoys me about others are traits I dislike in myself. What annoys me about others are traits I dislike in myself.

But man...if I talked as much and listened as little as the monotone voice girl in my office, I would hope someone would hit me in the face.

Detox is right!

I am in the third week of a month-long detox and the light at the end of the tunnel is a chocolate cake.

The detox diet is mostly no's:
- no caffeine
- no alcohol
- no meat
- no dairy from cows
- no wheat
- no salt
- no sugar

It would be a lot easier to do this in the US or the UK, where sugar-free, wheat-free, low sodium, vegan friendly, blessed by shaman and Trader Joe food is fairly simple to find. The only sugar-free thing in Amsterdam is gum.

That said, it has been going great. After the first days of hunger and emotional cravings, I settled down and cruised through the days powered by grains, veggies, fruit, herbal tea and the rare piece of fish. Though not intended for weight loss, the detox did take off several inches, most of which I attribute to booze bloat. My skin feels great, I sleep well and wake up easily, and I am generally less moody. So thumbs up all around.

What I didn't see coming was the emotional detox that piggybacked on the physical one. Without the gauze of nightly wine and an anything goes approach to ingredients (and the subsequent physiological impact they had), my brain was left to its own devices and decided to hit me over the head. With a rock.

Realities that hit hard:
- my best chance to be a mom was lost when I made the mistake of marrying Jeff
- I took on so much guilt for leaving the marriage that I ran all the way to Europe to escape it and have been living in a temporary world ever since. Lucky for me, Tom is smarter than I am.
- it is time to go home to the USA and face the daemons in the storage unit
- Tom is mortal and may get sick or be in pain at times. And I can't fix that. Horrible feeling.

In a twist of irony that only God can cause, I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub before work the other morning, thinking a lot about motherhood and feeling amazingly sad, but also feeling the beginnings of resolve (S-T-A-U-N-C-H) forming in the corners. While in this mire, the phone rang, and the endocrinologist on the other end told me that my hormone levels are now completely normal and there is no reason why I can't get pregnant. So what to do...

There is a lot of black tar to deal with emotionally, and without anything to mask it, I am forced to see. It doesn't feel bad, just big. Very, very big.

Photomontage makes me happy

I have always loved Alexander Rodchenko and not just because I want to recognize myself in the Russian peasant women with dark hair and overly dramatic eye makeup, but because his photomontage was so modern and still feels current.

The stellar Amsterdam photo gallery FOAM is holding a retrospective of his work from now until March that I will brave the snow for this weekend to view. Very excited!!

This is why I love Mark Weaver. His photomontage prints are just genius. Especially love the bison head!!! You can see more of his work on his flickr site.

Happy New Year!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Unbelievable that it is already 2010. The last decade was...wow.
The last year was. Past tense. Thank God.

I start this decade and year pledging three things:

1. Buy no new clothes or shoes for one year. This is the one no one thinks I can do, but I am very excited to try and make it work. Shoe repair, tailoring, and up-cycling some pieces will be key, but, after organizing my closet yesterday and realizing how much extra I have and don't wear/use/see, I know I have plenty to work with.

2. Do something creative every day. That includes being more devoted to my blog. Life has been a bit of a gray mush for a while, and I haven't been inspired to write anything, but yesterday, when I was running on the awesome icy snow and stopped to watch a rabbit cross the canal on the ice, I realized I haven't allowed myself to be open to inspiration. Nature throws out the wonder!

3. Detox through the month of January. No booze. No meat. No salt. No refined sugar. No wheat. No dairy from cows. No caffeine. I am on day 3 and doing alright so far. Made a delicious dish last night that met all the criteria and was flavorful and filling. Here is the recipe:

SPICY SHRIMP (because seafood is allowed)
1 onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
3 Tbs fresh oregano, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped
1 yellow pepper, chopped
1 red chile, sliced
1 green chile, sliced
1/2 kilo frozen Tiger prawns or other big shrimps, peeled
2 Tbs fresh coriander, chopped
1 cup brown rice

Cook the rice. Throw onion and garlic at bottom of a medium-hot wok and stir around in a tiny bit of olive oil until soft. Throw in all remaining ingredients except for coriander, shrimp and rice. Stir lightly for approx. 5 minutes, until all ingredients are warmed through. Throw in frozen
shrimps and cover for approx. 5 minutes. Uncover, stir in coriander and serve over rice.