And now for something completely different

For the first time ever in my entire life, I am putting someone else's needs before mine.

9/8th's of the people reading this will be smirking right now amidst the whole "it'sabouttime"ness of it all, and the remaining 1/8? Sorry to tell you, but I am a completely selfish brat. My smile and jazz hands might have distracted you up to this point, but it is very true. But not in a particularly bad way...I like to think I am a super fun selfish brat that distracts you from your usual world and causes you to buy impractical garments.

Tom is more important than anything I have ever had or anyone I have ever known. So for him I keep going and plan on staying in Amsterdam for who knows how long. Sigh. I am so ready to go back and put down some roots and experience being in New York for the first time, closer to family and friends but still writing new chapters in my life book. But. BUT! The experience of staying for someone else is a new chapter too because, as I have already said, I have never done anything for anyone else on any long term level. And who knows what this will uncover. As I write this I am listening to a play list made while living here and wonder what other bands will I discover by working around crazy creative Eurofabulous people. And the jaw-dropping nature of the vast number of Dutch artists and photographers I am exposed to on a daily basis. And working around fashion, which is like Charlie going to the chocolate factory. Not to mention learning what it is like to put myself second for once. There is a jewel out there, I know, and it will take me being unlike me to find it.

At the end of this strange rainbow will be me walking down some pathway toward Tom and a figure who channels God's goodness. And we will look at each other and proclaim our love to the heavens and promise never to let go ever ever ever, followed by dancing. The trials we have had here make that vision all the more exciting because it will be a day a serious celebration. Growth and change and compromise and sacrifice and being humbled and being so freaking lucky and another Amsterdam winter and another Amsterdam spring and friends moving away and happiness just the two of us and enduring and keeping yourself for moments of strength are all reasons to lift a glass and sing a happy tune. I can not wait.

Whatever Tommy needs, I want to give to him. This ask is tiny. And this is love.